So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
