you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
