I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
