So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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