Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
