if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
