Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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