well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
