Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
