He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
