Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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