Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
