mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
