DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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