What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think i got beer on your cat.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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