Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
