You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
