after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
