Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
