and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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