there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
