My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
