I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
