I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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