he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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