You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
