whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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