if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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