I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Drunk is not a location!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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