I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
