Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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