I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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