You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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