A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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