Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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