I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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