Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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