Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
