We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
