I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
