I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
