We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
