I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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