Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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