I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
