On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
