dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
