peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
