Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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