got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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