i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
