next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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