I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
