you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
